On the Mend.....

Thanks so much for the prayers! I finally broke down after buying out CVS's ant-itch isle(of which I made sure I could return the crap that did not work, which was all of it!!), and went to the ER. Tuns out it is hives and there is something that I have been ingesting that is causing the hives. It has been so miserable. And I have NO willpower when it comes to not itching. I have several chicken pox scars from when I was a kid. My mom resorted to duct taping mittens on my hands if I remember correctly. (It's hard to pick up a wiggley 17 month old with mittens or oven mits on....yes I tried :-P) So I tried the ER run on my own.....no go with all three kids. So I drove out to the rehab center in Grapevine where K is and had him go with me to the ER in Grapevine. He is in an open facility, which means with his counselors permission he can leave for a short period of time without being discharged out of the program. He is 30 days sober, which for him is a big deal.

S/N: Please pray for him. He "cups out" or leaves on Tuesday and he has voiced that he is scared. He is looking at several sober living facilities to help him transition back into the real world and will be looking for a job. He has seen 3 people that he fought with, cried with, laughed with, and worked with in recovery leave the Rehab center, only to use or drink within 24 hours of leaving. This really scares him and messes with his mind. So please Pray......Fear is the opposite of Faith.

He watched the kids while I went back and got poked in the booty with a cortisone shot and sent home with 3 prescriptions. I am already starting to feel better.



And while we are on the subject of being on the mend, I will be attending my first official Al-Anon meeting this week. Someone(one of my friend's moms) told me that this was so very important, but I don't think I realized how important it is to help mend my family until this week, whether that be with or without K. They say the hardest time for the family of an addict is when the addict gets clean. Which to me makes sense. I have been living in such chaos, it has become my existence.

Al-Anon Symbol

If you are living with an addict or alcoholic, if you love an addict or alcoholic, if you were a child of a addict or alcoholic, I urge you to check out a meeting. You will be floored by how much these people know about you and the life you have lived and are living. I didn't cause the addiction that I have grown up around and have continued to live with, and I certainly can't control it, and maybe most heartbreaking of all, I know I can't cure it. But regardless it has shaped the person that I am and controls many of the decisions that I makeon a daily basis. In turn I have become addicted to the addict. Which those who know me well are rolling their eyes right now. :-) But I need to work the same steps in order to rid myself of that addiction, because as long as K is working his steps and making the next right decision the addict will not be there for me to be addicted to anymore. So then what?? I behave in a way, which in my case usually results in unprovoked anger towards others, which leaves K either feeling no hope for our relationship since he can't seem to do anything right, or triggers his urge to use since old emotions come flaring back up again which puts us back in the same old ugly cycle.

All of this knowledge comes from 2 family Al-Anon meetings at the Rehab center and 1 family session with a counselor. My goodness, what would happen if I started attending meetings?

Lord, Today I admit that I am powerless over this disease, and that because of that my life has become unmanageable. Lord I believe that you and only you can restore my life back to sanity and that on my own I can not do it. I turn my will over to you God to help lead me an I embark on this new path in my life. I am scared. I have lived my life like this since I came into this world, and I need your hand to lead me. I know you will not leave me. You are my one constant in my chaotic life. It is time to loosen the grip and let You lead. I am powerless, broken, and uncertain. With you God I know that ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. And I know you have led K and I here for a reason. As we are working on pulling ourselves off our faces and into the fetal position, then onto all fours, and then by your grace on our knees, and finally while holding Your Hands, back on our feet, I ask you Lord for your presence to be with us. Help guide our decisions, words, and actions. And Lord let our Journey help others. Let us be an encouragement to others and in our every move Let YOUR Glory be known. We give you praise and thanks for where You brought us and where we continue be lead by Your loving Hand.

Tilted......

I came across this last night on a blog called "Bring the Rain". Be prepared to be moved to tears. Her name is Angie Smith and her story is amazing. Last night I sent her this e-mail (the blog is quoted at the bottom:

Hi Angie,

I just needed to take a moment tonight to thank you. I came across your blog for the fist time tonight and began to read sweet Audrey’s story. I can’t imagine the pain that you must have experienced. My situation is very different (http://notsoaveragesuburbanlife.blogspot.com/) and I thank God almost on a minute by minute basis for three happy, healthy children. But one of you blog entries from over a year ago brought me hope tonight. I have my head ever so slightly titled this evening, even with the tears streaming down my face. I started to feel myself loosing faith today…through my anger Satan attacked. But I am bringing it to HIM. And I just wanted to say thank you….

“And He(God) only has one request.

Bring it right to me, Angie.

Every time the anger roars in your heart. Bring it to Me.

Every time you feel like nobody hears you. Bring it to Me.

When you think it isn't fair. When you think it isn't true. When you can't think at all.

Bring it to My feet, and I will make an altar from your suffering.

Yesterday, after I felt like I couldn't take any more of the storm, Abby came into the kitchen with a drawing she had made for Audrey (they do this several times a day...I think it's just part of how they are processing). I looked at it for a few moments and then told her how amazing I thought it was. She had drawn Audrey under a rainbow, standing by a sign that said "Come see the clowns!" I'm not sure what the significance of that is, except that Abby did confirm that there are "only clowns in heaven sometimes." That actually made me feel better, because I think clowns are kind of creepy.

Abby smiled at me expectantly. I wasn't sure what she was looking for.

"I want to give it to her, mommy. I want to put it in her basket."

They call her "casket" a "basket," and we don't correct them, because frankly, I like the idea of a basket better anyway.

"OK." Now what do I say? How am I going to explain this to a 5 year old?

She looked at me, waiting.

"So..should we put it in the mailbox, mommy? Will the man come and get it?"

She wanted to understand the details of our new situation, and the truth at that moment was that I did too.

"Well, Abby, the great thing about heaven is that Audrey can see all of the things that we are doing down here. AND, she can see what you made for her! She can just look right into our house and see it." I waited to see how this felt to her.

Without a word, she spoke life back into my tired bones.

She took the edges of the drawing delicately and lifted it high above her head, closer to her baby sister. She had her head tipped back, looking upward, and after a few seconds, she closed her eyes and a smile made it's way across her face.

"She liked it, didn't she?" I asked her quietly.

She nodded, still glowing, and ran off to play.

I don't know where you are tonight, or what hurts you are holding up to God, but I will promise you this. If you can just trust Him enough to bring it to Him, He will rejoice in your masterpiece. And if you need to scream a little, know that you have a God who can take that too, as long as your face is tilted (even slightly) toward Him.

Please allow my sweet friend Sara and her son Elliot to make their way into your prayers tonight...ever-present Counselor, we have to trust You more that we can explain You sometimes.

You are good, Lord.

You are good.”