On the Mend.....

Thanks so much for the prayers! I finally broke down after buying out CVS's ant-itch isle(of which I made sure I could return the crap that did not work, which was all of it!!), and went to the ER. Tuns out it is hives and there is something that I have been ingesting that is causing the hives. It has been so miserable. And I have NO willpower when it comes to not itching. I have several chicken pox scars from when I was a kid. My mom resorted to duct taping mittens on my hands if I remember correctly. (It's hard to pick up a wiggley 17 month old with mittens or oven mits on....yes I tried :-P) So I tried the ER run on my own.....no go with all three kids. So I drove out to the rehab center in Grapevine where K is and had him go with me to the ER in Grapevine. He is in an open facility, which means with his counselors permission he can leave for a short period of time without being discharged out of the program. He is 30 days sober, which for him is a big deal.

S/N: Please pray for him. He "cups out" or leaves on Tuesday and he has voiced that he is scared. He is looking at several sober living facilities to help him transition back into the real world and will be looking for a job. He has seen 3 people that he fought with, cried with, laughed with, and worked with in recovery leave the Rehab center, only to use or drink within 24 hours of leaving. This really scares him and messes with his mind. So please Pray......Fear is the opposite of Faith.

He watched the kids while I went back and got poked in the booty with a cortisone shot and sent home with 3 prescriptions. I am already starting to feel better.



And while we are on the subject of being on the mend, I will be attending my first official Al-Anon meeting this week. Someone(one of my friend's moms) told me that this was so very important, but I don't think I realized how important it is to help mend my family until this week, whether that be with or without K. They say the hardest time for the family of an addict is when the addict gets clean. Which to me makes sense. I have been living in such chaos, it has become my existence.

Al-Anon Symbol

If you are living with an addict or alcoholic, if you love an addict or alcoholic, if you were a child of a addict or alcoholic, I urge you to check out a meeting. You will be floored by how much these people know about you and the life you have lived and are living. I didn't cause the addiction that I have grown up around and have continued to live with, and I certainly can't control it, and maybe most heartbreaking of all, I know I can't cure it. But regardless it has shaped the person that I am and controls many of the decisions that I makeon a daily basis. In turn I have become addicted to the addict. Which those who know me well are rolling their eyes right now. :-) But I need to work the same steps in order to rid myself of that addiction, because as long as K is working his steps and making the next right decision the addict will not be there for me to be addicted to anymore. So then what?? I behave in a way, which in my case usually results in unprovoked anger towards others, which leaves K either feeling no hope for our relationship since he can't seem to do anything right, or triggers his urge to use since old emotions come flaring back up again which puts us back in the same old ugly cycle.

All of this knowledge comes from 2 family Al-Anon meetings at the Rehab center and 1 family session with a counselor. My goodness, what would happen if I started attending meetings?

Lord, Today I admit that I am powerless over this disease, and that because of that my life has become unmanageable. Lord I believe that you and only you can restore my life back to sanity and that on my own I can not do it. I turn my will over to you God to help lead me an I embark on this new path in my life. I am scared. I have lived my life like this since I came into this world, and I need your hand to lead me. I know you will not leave me. You are my one constant in my chaotic life. It is time to loosen the grip and let You lead. I am powerless, broken, and uncertain. With you God I know that ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. And I know you have led K and I here for a reason. As we are working on pulling ourselves off our faces and into the fetal position, then onto all fours, and then by your grace on our knees, and finally while holding Your Hands, back on our feet, I ask you Lord for your presence to be with us. Help guide our decisions, words, and actions. And Lord let our Journey help others. Let us be an encouragement to others and in our every move Let YOUR Glory be known. We give you praise and thanks for where You brought us and where we continue be lead by Your loving Hand.

A bad day......

Things are really hard today for me. I find myself questioning my faith today. It's been so long since I have done that and I don't really know how to feel about it. I'm sitting here just in tears at my computer. I can't find my dh (he didn't show up for work today), I have no vehicle to go and look for him (he has it) and we have little money to make it through the next month. I sat up with my dh last night until 3 am listing to him rant, rave , question, and sob. His daughter, My step-daughter, was placed in a mental facility on Sunday. She was talking about killing herself. He was talking about the same thing last night. He and I both don't understand why life is going the way it is going. He has been working his ass off at his new job for the last almost 5 months with nothing really to show for it. He receives a small salary, but not enough to support a family of 6 (we have 3 children of our own). He should be receiving commissions by now, but despite all his hard work we have not seen one yet. We have rent due on the 1st and if we don't have that money I'm not sure what we are going to do. I see him reverting to a life that I thought we had left behind. It's the only way he knows how to deal with pain, and unfortunately for me.....that leaves me here with 3 small children trying to figure out a way to get groceries and pick up my medication. I have no way to reach him and my constant fear is that he has been arrested. I don't think anyone can relate to this despair I am feeling right now. It's taken every ounce of strength I have have to even get out of bed. I haven't even gotten dressed today. I'm just angry.....angry at myself for still being here, angry at my husband for starting this awful road that we are on so many years ago, and angry at God. I just wish we could catch a break. For the last 7 months we have been trying to everything right. We have prayed and believed, and I just don't understand why this is where we have ended up. I know so many people who are not religious or whatever and things seem to go right for them. They have everything they need and then some.....they are able to follow their dreams and provide everything and more for their kids. All I want is just a normal life!!!!!!! Please tell me where I get that!

It takes work......

I hate more than anything when people ignore me. It happens a lot in my house. The kids keep jumping on the couch. My husband doesn't help with the kids. And the list goes on. I just tried to get my dh to watch Dr. Phil with me and he shot it down before I could even explain what it was about. Those who know me well know my deep dark secret. My husband, we're going to call him K, has struggled with addiction for most of his life. He has been through many different addictions from drugs to gambling and a few stops in between. K's worst addiction has been with the drug, methamphetamine. He has used off and on for the last 8 years I have known him. He just can not seem to kick it. He will stay clean for a while but he always ends up going back. We have separated several times, but I always end up going back......hence my addiction. We have 4 kids, and I love him. Despite everything he has done and everything we have had to endure I love him. And I believe in him. He has been clean for a while now, but is really struggling. The Dr. Phil I was was wanting him to watch was on addiction, and they talked about how addiction is a chronic disease, and thus it needs to be treated as one. When my dh is not getting his way he stomps around like a child. I just want him to see that he can not will power his way through this. It's really frustrating living with him sometimes. But I have faith and I know God will bring us through this.