"If I'm a good girl......."

My daughter said something this morning that I've been hearing a lot lately. We're driving down the road headed home and she said, " Hey Mom, maybe if I'm a really good girl I could get some diving sticks. I really just want them to play with in the pool." (we live 4 houses down from the neighborhood pool) And without even thinking I gave her my normal response, " We'll see sweetie." She never says anything but I'm sure she realizes that this most likely means no.


I have 3 kids:



My bear is five and she is the sweetest thing you will ever meet. She loves everyone and just wants you to love her back. She is my biggest helper and is always looking for praise and some snuggles. She loves to be challenged and to lead. Her sister thinks she is the most amazing person there ever was and just wants to be in her presence. And bear is very patient with her little sissy (most of the time). She loves computer games and anything pretend. She has a great imagination and honestly could probably take over the house at 5 and run it more efficiently than I do! (if only she could reach the juice in our side by side fridge). She loves to swim with her floaties, but is very hesitant to want to learn how to swim without them. I guess she just figures if it works why mess with it. She will patiently wait in her swimming suit all day for me to say, "Time to go to the pool!" And she loves the Lord and has a passion for Him already at 5, and appreciates the smallest of his creations (flowers, bugs, butterflies...)

My bug just turned three and she is all spunk and then some. She is going a million miles an hour all day until she crashes. She pretty much argues with everything unless she's in the mood to cooperate. But she can be the most tender thing and is such a Mama's girl. So much so that even when I am standing right in front of her she says "I just want my mama" I often ask her, "Where does she live? Do you need me to call her?" And I usually at least get a smile with that. She loves donuts with a passion you rarely see in small children. She loves her blankees and will not sleep with out them. And yes that's blankees plural. When she was 18 months old I had a shower gift for a friend wrapped up and bug decided that it was for her. Thus the "butterfly blankee" (or "buttafy bankee" back then) was born. Then a few months later we had a crisis when the butterfly blankee was left at wal-mart so I scrambled and created the "dot-dot blankee." (Yes created.....I sew and had the fabric laying around) She is so full of joy and life you see it sparkle in her beautiful brown eyes.



Then there is my youngest, brother, aka buba. He is almost 16 months old and still refuses to walk. (although my girls were both the same way) He will not be pushed into anything he does not want to do. He is loud.....and I mean like the neighbors 2 houses down can hear him when all our doors and windows are shut. He is all boy (except when he lovingly plays with his sisters babies) and has an ocd-like obsession with Balls. He loves anything round and will ritually chant ba...ba...ba. He sleeps with his ball, he eats with his ball, he plays with his ball. I love every little inch of him and he loves to be loved like his oldest sister. He makes the cutest expressions I have ever seen and is such a mama's boy. All he has to is smile at me and my heart melts.

Now back to my story.....I sat driving home and realized that my kids have done without for so long. I remember when I would go and drop $100 on Bear....and not even blink. That was a really long time ago. After driving a while I asked my little bear, "You know you're a good girl even if Mommy can't get you diving sticks this time at the store right?" "Yeah Mom I know because I'm always a good girl" she responded. Everything in me ached. I want to be able to give her the world. I want to be able to give all my kids the world. I just hope they know that. If I had my way I would give them everything they wanted because they deserve it. They are such amazing kids and I love them with every ounce of my being. Needless to say that day at the store, I skipped a few items that we needed and made due so that I could by my good girl her diving sticks.

Blessed......

I just want to say I have awesome friends!

Not just the friends that listen when you need an ear, but the kind of friends that jump into action when there is any kind of need......clothing, groceries, a sholder to cry on, whatever.

Lord, I thank you for amazing the women in my life and I pray that you continue to bless them as they have blessed my children and I. Amen.

Tilted......

I came across this last night on a blog called "Bring the Rain". Be prepared to be moved to tears. Her name is Angie Smith and her story is amazing. Last night I sent her this e-mail (the blog is quoted at the bottom:

Hi Angie,

I just needed to take a moment tonight to thank you. I came across your blog for the fist time tonight and began to read sweet Audrey’s story. I can’t imagine the pain that you must have experienced. My situation is very different (http://notsoaveragesuburbanlife.blogspot.com/) and I thank God almost on a minute by minute basis for three happy, healthy children. But one of you blog entries from over a year ago brought me hope tonight. I have my head ever so slightly titled this evening, even with the tears streaming down my face. I started to feel myself loosing faith today…through my anger Satan attacked. But I am bringing it to HIM. And I just wanted to say thank you….

“And He(God) only has one request.

Bring it right to me, Angie.

Every time the anger roars in your heart. Bring it to Me.

Every time you feel like nobody hears you. Bring it to Me.

When you think it isn't fair. When you think it isn't true. When you can't think at all.

Bring it to My feet, and I will make an altar from your suffering.

Yesterday, after I felt like I couldn't take any more of the storm, Abby came into the kitchen with a drawing she had made for Audrey (they do this several times a day...I think it's just part of how they are processing). I looked at it for a few moments and then told her how amazing I thought it was. She had drawn Audrey under a rainbow, standing by a sign that said "Come see the clowns!" I'm not sure what the significance of that is, except that Abby did confirm that there are "only clowns in heaven sometimes." That actually made me feel better, because I think clowns are kind of creepy.

Abby smiled at me expectantly. I wasn't sure what she was looking for.

"I want to give it to her, mommy. I want to put it in her basket."

They call her "casket" a "basket," and we don't correct them, because frankly, I like the idea of a basket better anyway.

"OK." Now what do I say? How am I going to explain this to a 5 year old?

She looked at me, waiting.

"So..should we put it in the mailbox, mommy? Will the man come and get it?"

She wanted to understand the details of our new situation, and the truth at that moment was that I did too.

"Well, Abby, the great thing about heaven is that Audrey can see all of the things that we are doing down here. AND, she can see what you made for her! She can just look right into our house and see it." I waited to see how this felt to her.

Without a word, she spoke life back into my tired bones.

She took the edges of the drawing delicately and lifted it high above her head, closer to her baby sister. She had her head tipped back, looking upward, and after a few seconds, she closed her eyes and a smile made it's way across her face.

"She liked it, didn't she?" I asked her quietly.

She nodded, still glowing, and ran off to play.

I don't know where you are tonight, or what hurts you are holding up to God, but I will promise you this. If you can just trust Him enough to bring it to Him, He will rejoice in your masterpiece. And if you need to scream a little, know that you have a God who can take that too, as long as your face is tilted (even slightly) toward Him.

Please allow my sweet friend Sara and her son Elliot to make their way into your prayers tonight...ever-present Counselor, we have to trust You more that we can explain You sometimes.

You are good, Lord.

You are good.”

A bad day......

Things are really hard today for me. I find myself questioning my faith today. It's been so long since I have done that and I don't really know how to feel about it. I'm sitting here just in tears at my computer. I can't find my dh (he didn't show up for work today), I have no vehicle to go and look for him (he has it) and we have little money to make it through the next month. I sat up with my dh last night until 3 am listing to him rant, rave , question, and sob. His daughter, My step-daughter, was placed in a mental facility on Sunday. She was talking about killing herself. He was talking about the same thing last night. He and I both don't understand why life is going the way it is going. He has been working his ass off at his new job for the last almost 5 months with nothing really to show for it. He receives a small salary, but not enough to support a family of 6 (we have 3 children of our own). He should be receiving commissions by now, but despite all his hard work we have not seen one yet. We have rent due on the 1st and if we don't have that money I'm not sure what we are going to do. I see him reverting to a life that I thought we had left behind. It's the only way he knows how to deal with pain, and unfortunately for me.....that leaves me here with 3 small children trying to figure out a way to get groceries and pick up my medication. I have no way to reach him and my constant fear is that he has been arrested. I don't think anyone can relate to this despair I am feeling right now. It's taken every ounce of strength I have have to even get out of bed. I haven't even gotten dressed today. I'm just angry.....angry at myself for still being here, angry at my husband for starting this awful road that we are on so many years ago, and angry at God. I just wish we could catch a break. For the last 7 months we have been trying to everything right. We have prayed and believed, and I just don't understand why this is where we have ended up. I know so many people who are not religious or whatever and things seem to go right for them. They have everything they need and then some.....they are able to follow their dreams and provide everything and more for their kids. All I want is just a normal life!!!!!!! Please tell me where I get that!

It takes work......

I hate more than anything when people ignore me. It happens a lot in my house. The kids keep jumping on the couch. My husband doesn't help with the kids. And the list goes on. I just tried to get my dh to watch Dr. Phil with me and he shot it down before I could even explain what it was about. Those who know me well know my deep dark secret. My husband, we're going to call him K, has struggled with addiction for most of his life. He has been through many different addictions from drugs to gambling and a few stops in between. K's worst addiction has been with the drug, methamphetamine. He has used off and on for the last 8 years I have known him. He just can not seem to kick it. He will stay clean for a while but he always ends up going back. We have separated several times, but I always end up going back......hence my addiction. We have 4 kids, and I love him. Despite everything he has done and everything we have had to endure I love him. And I believe in him. He has been clean for a while now, but is really struggling. The Dr. Phil I was was wanting him to watch was on addiction, and they talked about how addiction is a chronic disease, and thus it needs to be treated as one. When my dh is not getting his way he stomps around like a child. I just want him to see that he can not will power his way through this. It's really frustrating living with him sometimes. But I have faith and I know God will bring us through this.