The last three weeks for me have been a whirlwind. I've decided to break up the post a little bit so it's not so incredibly overwhelming for me to write.
As I have said in the past my husband has a drug problem. Well since the beginning of May it has been spiralling out of control again. I had hoped that this blog would be about our climb back up from the hell that we had made it through. Little did I know God had other plans. We began to plunge back down....
And yes I mean We not just he. Because honestly I was starting to question myself over and over. I just didn't understand why God would bring us so far to abandon us in our time of need, but there was so much more going on that I even could grasp. God always has bigger plans, even if we do not understand.
Everything was falling apart and on Memorial Day it all came to a point that I never thought it would....
K had been gone for at least a day.
S/N(Side Note): Yes, he would disappear for days at a time with my van leaving me stranded with 3 small kids at the house. Not sure why I was ok with this, but it had just become the normal. I knew he was lying every time he left and said he would be back soon, but I just didn't want to fight.
He came home and wanted to do something to help me. He would often come home riddled with guilt and trying to get rid of that shame he felt. He asked me to get the kids ready and he was going to take them to the store with him. This alone made me nervous since I knew odds were that he was either high or coming down. (He has totaled 2 cars in the last couple years). But I at least entertained the thought of having some alone time in the house.
S/N: I am rarely without my kids.... so rarely that I am always questioned numerous times when I am missing any of them.
He said it would take him a while to get ready if there was any errands I needed to run. Which when you don't have the convenience of a car errands seem to pile up. So I told him I was going to run to the store really fast. I had intended to leave all the kids there since I would be 20 min. max, but the girls wanted to come. So I checked to make sure K could handle brother. He said he was fine so off the girls and I went.
20 min.....
Walked into the house to find K sitting straight up on the couch, mouth wide open, and completely passed out (or just dozed off as he put it). Panic......ok wait, maybe he put buba down for nap.....I call out my baby boy's name and I hear his excited, "Mama," as he come crawling around the corner with upholstery cleaner in his hand. I round the corner to find the cabinet door under the kitchen sink open and all kinds of stuff pulled out.
S/N: We just moved into a rental home and had not baby proofed this cabinet yet, but I had not had an issue with it thus far.
More panic.......ok scanning the crap on the floor......ok nothing is open. Then comes the anger. I grab baby's shoes and rush out the door yelling, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" The girls are still buckled in since I thought he would be ready to go. I am strapping my son in and I guess my question aroused K from his dozing. He comes out in his underwear and a T-shirt asking, "What? What's wrong? What happened?" I explained to him what I had found when I came home and K seriously had the nerve to tell me I do the same thing all the time. I won't even go to a side note on that one. It might end up being a short novel. Long story short......I left after K tried to grab they keys from me. Which he obviously didn't get......he did however manage to grab my purse, which didn't really make a difference since I had all the money we had at the time ($40) in my pocket.
Ok so I know most moms are gasping thinking that this has to be the low point...hate to disappoint but it gets worse......much worse.
I went to a friend's house to cool down and collect my thoughts about what had just happened. I really wasn't sure what to do at this point. I didn't want to go home, but really I don't have many options, which is another long side note that I think I will just save for a full fledged blog post. So a few hours later I came home to find the house in even more disarray than I had left it. K was still visibly agitated and had at this point lost the T-shirt and was just in boxers. The first thing I noticed when I walked in was hot hot it was in the house. So I went to check the thermostat. The conversation that followed between us is a blur, but we basically started up the same argument that I had left. I made no eye contact with him still messing with the thermostat. He again told me that I fall asleep all the time when all the kids are wondering around the house. I responded, "Uh yeah I do that ALL the time," in a very ugly and sarcastic tone.
WHAM..............I fell to the ground. I knew that something had hit the left side of my forehead with blunt force. Had a meteor fallen from the sky through the roof? What just happened??? Did he hit me??? No he was too far away.....but I saw a swing. What just happened??? I screamed in pain and shock as I fell to the ground. He follows me to the ground saying, "I'm sorry...I didn't mean to let it go.....the phone slipped out of my hand....you know I would never hurt you." I remember telling him not to touch me as he asked to see what his thrown cell phone had done. As I pulled my hand away from my head I looked down and saw blood everywhere. I jumped up screaming and ran into the bathroom. My first thought was, "My girls.....where are my girls? Did they see what just happened?" My screaming was silenced instantly by that thought. I needed to get cleaned up so I could make sure they were ok. He followed me into the bathroom and kept talking......at that point he sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher. All I heard was WaaWaaWaaWaaaWaWaaaWaa, with the occasional "I'm sorry" mixed in there. I thought, "Ok I need to get to a phone to call the police" But I knew that that would be so traumatic for my kids and who knows how he would react. I looked at him as he was trying to stop the bleeding and I didn't see my husband. I saw a shell of him that was riddled with the disease of addiction. I felt nothing as I looked at him. No anger, no sadness, no nothing. I do very clearly remember one thing he said that day that was a big AH-HA moment for me. He said, "I know you are the one bleeding and everything, but why does this kind of stuff always happen to ME?" I knew at that point that he was not getting it and he may never get it.
It was time to leave. But it needed to be done strategically as to not upset my kids. I needed to wait. I let him take to the urgent care and made up a lame story to cover the huge knot and cut on my forehead. I laid there on the stretcher as they were putting 5 stitches in my head thinking, "Am I really this woman....I've seen her in Lifetime movies, and on Oprah. Is this the legacy I want to leave for my daughters? Lord give me an out here. I am lost and I don't know where to turn. Do I stay and leave quietly or do I make a huge scene of it?" I've heard it said that when you don't know what to do, don't do anything. So that is what I did....nothing. My kids seemed oblivious to what had happened, but I needed to let him know I could not do this any longer.
That night after we got home I told him that we needed to separate. He started to get agitated again so I didn't push the subject, but told him he needed to find an alternate living arrangement. He did leave that night only to come back a few hours later, high of course. He passed out on the bed and I laid awake all night wondering what to do.........
OK.......so that's all I can write tonight and will continue this story in a new post. This picture was taken 4 days after this all happened.
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