Sorry I have been MIA.......

So this last week has been complete chaos. On the 4th of July I got a phone call from my mom that my grandfather had died and was found in his yard. It has been a really rough week with lots of tears. Here is a slide show I did for his funeral. Make sure to stop the music on my blog first. I will update more later on, but today was my first official day home so I have a lot to catch up on. Please pray for my family, especially my mom and her 2 sisters. Thanks!

On the Mend.....

Thanks so much for the prayers! I finally broke down after buying out CVS's ant-itch isle(of which I made sure I could return the crap that did not work, which was all of it!!), and went to the ER. Tuns out it is hives and there is something that I have been ingesting that is causing the hives. It has been so miserable. And I have NO willpower when it comes to not itching. I have several chicken pox scars from when I was a kid. My mom resorted to duct taping mittens on my hands if I remember correctly. (It's hard to pick up a wiggley 17 month old with mittens or oven mits on....yes I tried :-P) So I tried the ER run on my own.....no go with all three kids. So I drove out to the rehab center in Grapevine where K is and had him go with me to the ER in Grapevine. He is in an open facility, which means with his counselors permission he can leave for a short period of time without being discharged out of the program. He is 30 days sober, which for him is a big deal.

S/N: Please pray for him. He "cups out" or leaves on Tuesday and he has voiced that he is scared. He is looking at several sober living facilities to help him transition back into the real world and will be looking for a job. He has seen 3 people that he fought with, cried with, laughed with, and worked with in recovery leave the Rehab center, only to use or drink within 24 hours of leaving. This really scares him and messes with his mind. So please Pray......Fear is the opposite of Faith.

He watched the kids while I went back and got poked in the booty with a cortisone shot and sent home with 3 prescriptions. I am already starting to feel better.



And while we are on the subject of being on the mend, I will be attending my first official Al-Anon meeting this week. Someone(one of my friend's moms) told me that this was so very important, but I don't think I realized how important it is to help mend my family until this week, whether that be with or without K. They say the hardest time for the family of an addict is when the addict gets clean. Which to me makes sense. I have been living in such chaos, it has become my existence.

Al-Anon Symbol

If you are living with an addict or alcoholic, if you love an addict or alcoholic, if you were a child of a addict or alcoholic, I urge you to check out a meeting. You will be floored by how much these people know about you and the life you have lived and are living. I didn't cause the addiction that I have grown up around and have continued to live with, and I certainly can't control it, and maybe most heartbreaking of all, I know I can't cure it. But regardless it has shaped the person that I am and controls many of the decisions that I makeon a daily basis. In turn I have become addicted to the addict. Which those who know me well are rolling their eyes right now. :-) But I need to work the same steps in order to rid myself of that addiction, because as long as K is working his steps and making the next right decision the addict will not be there for me to be addicted to anymore. So then what?? I behave in a way, which in my case usually results in unprovoked anger towards others, which leaves K either feeling no hope for our relationship since he can't seem to do anything right, or triggers his urge to use since old emotions come flaring back up again which puts us back in the same old ugly cycle.

All of this knowledge comes from 2 family Al-Anon meetings at the Rehab center and 1 family session with a counselor. My goodness, what would happen if I started attending meetings?

Lord, Today I admit that I am powerless over this disease, and that because of that my life has become unmanageable. Lord I believe that you and only you can restore my life back to sanity and that on my own I can not do it. I turn my will over to you God to help lead me an I embark on this new path in my life. I am scared. I have lived my life like this since I came into this world, and I need your hand to lead me. I know you will not leave me. You are my one constant in my chaotic life. It is time to loosen the grip and let You lead. I am powerless, broken, and uncertain. With you God I know that ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. And I know you have led K and I here for a reason. As we are working on pulling ourselves off our faces and into the fetal position, then onto all fours, and then by your grace on our knees, and finally while holding Your Hands, back on our feet, I ask you Lord for your presence to be with us. Help guide our decisions, words, and actions. And Lord let our Journey help others. Let us be an encouragement to others and in our every move Let YOUR Glory be known. We give you praise and thanks for where You brought us and where we continue be lead by Your loving Hand.

Miserable.....

Hey if you have a second today, please pray for me. I am not sure what in the word I got into, but I have the worst rash all over the place. It's on my face, neck, chest, both arms, stomach, and back. The only time I am not in agony is when I am knocked out on some benedryl, but with 3 small children running around that is not an option during the day. I have limited money today, so a doctor visit is out of the financial question. I am about ready to hit the ER, for the 3rd time in a month. (stiches, kindey stone). The enemy has called a full fleged attack on my body so please pray.

-N

Look what GOD did!!!!!

Oh my goodness. I am in such awe of my amazing Savior right now!!!!! I know I still have some stories to tell to get everyone kinda caught up on our lives, but I just have to skip ahead a little and tell you how MY GOD works in my life.



Ok so I have recently met some amazing GODLY women at my church who all sell Mary Kay. I was kinda skeptical, but my friend signed me up and I figured I had nothing to loose. I have been working it as much as possible since it is really my only source of income right now, but I have found myself distracted and a little discouraged. I honestly can't think ahead anymore than a day at a time or I start to hyperventilate. At this moment in time I do not know how I am going to pay my rent at the end of the month and there are several other bills that frankly I'm not really sure how I am going to pay. I have a little money left over from an insurance check that I received a few weeks ago that was a total blessing from God in itself. But really we are basically living a day at a time. If there is milk in the fridge and gas in the car, we are having a good day.



S/N: I have signed up for assistance with several different agencies and I am working on finding a full time job that will pay me enough to be able to pay for childcare and my bills. It takes time to get set up with government help. So I am in limbo as far as all those things go right now.



So last night I come home from another friends house and I check my mail. (She is such amazing support to me, and is always making sure we have everything we need. She even sent me home with a bag full of groceries last night.) Well I got a thing from my bank telling me that they charged me $200 in overdraft fees because of a check (for my water bill....to get the water turned back on) that had come through. They had put a hold on the insurance check I had received and even though the money was there they wouldn't lift the hold and it ended up costing me about $200. I was really upset and came in and put on my happy mommy face and put my kids to bed. I then sat down at my computer and started to pray. When I left K (who is now in residential drug rehab by the way) the day after the assault I decided that any money that I made I was going to give my first 10% to God and the put 10% in savings. I did not do that with this insurance check. So as I was praying I heard God speaking to me. He said, "Nicole, what is my place in your life?" I know that God is first, but I had not shown Him that with the blessing He had given me. I heard Him saying, "Be obedient and trust Me, I will meet all your needs." So with $398.00 in the bank and a $400 electric bill due on the 28th (or we get cut off) I tithed the $109.00 I should have when I recieved that check.

I woke up this morning feeling great and had an awesome meeting with an amazing woman from my church this afternoon and we did some major praying together. And God started working....My 2 friends that I had invited to my Mary Kay rally called and confirmed that they would be there. Then a few more even called to say they would try to make it. They were giving away a bunch of prizes tonight as well as cash! So I get there and I end up having 4 guests there which is so AWESOME and my name got entered a few extra times in the drawing. We had an amazing time and watched all the MK consultants win their prizes. I looked at my friends and was just so grateful that they came to support me.....little did I know God was still working. So one of my friends looks at me and asks, " So how do I get into this??" I was kinda shocked since I was thinking no one would really be interested in actually doing what I was doing. Even though I have seen Mary Kay completely change my team leader circumstances. (She has been doing Mary Kay for 6 weeks and will be getting her first free MK car on July 1st.) So my Friend signed up to be on my team. Praise God!! I thought, "Ok Lord, I see you rewarding my obedience and my faith!" So the night was drawing to then end and they did 2 drawings for cash, one for the guests and the other for the consultants. They were reading out the number and I was looking at my tickets, but not really closely. They read off the final number and I waited to hear someone scream and no one did. So I looked around to make sure there wasn't a shy person making their way up to the front. Nope everyone was sitting down sighing and what not. I scanned my tickets more closely and oh my goodness I HAD THE WINNING TICKET! I NEVER win anything, I mean not EVER. I was so flustered when I went up to the front I could not even remember what unit I was in and my director's name. And of course I started to cry. I didn't even know how much money I had won, but it ended up being $325.00, which covered my overdraft fees and my tithe. And of course I will be giving the first of this money to God as well!

God is so amazing. Our pastor has said something and it has become the motto in my daily life. He says, "It is your job to believe, and it's God's job to make the impossible, possible." Last night as I sat at my computer my situation seemed impossible. But I decided to believe and God and only God made my situation full of possibilities. If you are struggling with something right now, whether it be money or a relationship or whatever, I urge you to give it to God and believe that He can make something that seems impossible, possible. All you have to do is open the door and let Him.

Sticks, Stones, and Cell Phones.......

The last three weeks for me have been a whirlwind. I've decided to break up the post a little bit so it's not so incredibly overwhelming for me to write.

As I have said in the past my husband has a drug problem. Well since the beginning of May it has been spiralling out of control again. I had hoped that this blog would be about our climb back up from the hell that we had made it through. Little did I know God had other plans. We began to plunge back down....

And yes I mean We not just he. Because honestly I was starting to question myself over and over. I just didn't understand why God would bring us so far to abandon us in our time of need, but there was so much more going on that I even could grasp. God always has bigger plans, even if we do not understand.

Everything was falling apart and on Memorial Day it all came to a point that I never thought it would....

K had been gone for at least a day.

S/N(Side Note): Yes, he would disappear for days at a time with my van leaving me stranded with 3 small kids at the house. Not sure why I was ok with this, but it had just become the normal. I knew he was lying every time he left and said he would be back soon, but I just didn't want to fight.

He came home and wanted to do something to help me. He would often come home riddled with guilt and trying to get rid of that shame he felt. He asked me to get the kids ready and he was going to take them to the store with him. This alone made me nervous since I knew odds were that he was either high or coming down. (He has totaled 2 cars in the last couple years). But I at least entertained the thought of having some alone time in the house.

S/N: I am rarely without my kids.... so rarely that I am always questioned numerous times when I am missing any of them.

He said it would take him a while to get ready if there was any errands I needed to run. Which when you don't have the convenience of a car errands seem to pile up. So I told him I was going to run to the store really fast. I had intended to leave all the kids there since I would be 20 min. max, but the girls wanted to come. So I checked to make sure K could handle brother. He said he was fine so off the girls and I went.

20 min.....

Walked into the house to find K sitting straight up on the couch, mouth wide open, and completely passed out (or just dozed off as he put it). Panic......ok wait, maybe he put buba down for nap.....I call out my baby boy's name and I hear his excited, "Mama," as he come crawling around the corner with upholstery cleaner in his hand. I round the corner to find the cabinet door under the kitchen sink open and all kinds of stuff pulled out.

S/N: We just moved into a rental home and had not baby proofed this cabinet yet, but I had not had an issue with it thus far.

More panic.......ok scanning the crap on the floor......ok nothing is open. Then comes the anger. I grab baby's shoes and rush out the door yelling, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" The girls are still buckled in since I thought he would be ready to go. I am strapping my son in and I guess my question aroused K from his dozing. He comes out in his underwear and a T-shirt asking, "What? What's wrong? What happened?" I explained to him what I had found when I came home and K seriously had the nerve to tell me I do the same thing all the time. I won't even go to a side note on that one. It might end up being a short novel. Long story short......I left after K tried to grab they keys from me. Which he obviously didn't get......he did however manage to grab my purse, which didn't really make a difference since I had all the money we had at the time ($40) in my pocket.

Ok so I know most moms are gasping thinking that this has to be the low point...hate to disappoint but it gets worse......much worse.

I went to a friend's house to cool down and collect my thoughts about what had just happened. I really wasn't sure what to do at this point. I didn't want to go home, but really I don't have many options, which is another long side note that I think I will just save for a full fledged blog post. So a few hours later I came home to find the house in even more disarray than I had left it. K was still visibly agitated and had at this point lost the T-shirt and was just in boxers. The first thing I noticed when I walked in was hot hot it was in the house. So I went to check the thermostat. The conversation that followed between us is a blur, but we basically started up the same argument that I had left. I made no eye contact with him still messing with the thermostat. He again told me that I fall asleep all the time when all the kids are wondering around the house. I responded, "Uh yeah I do that ALL the time," in a very ugly and sarcastic tone.

WHAM..............I fell to the ground. I knew that something had hit the left side of my forehead with blunt force. Had a meteor fallen from the sky through the roof? What just happened??? Did he hit me??? No he was too far away.....but I saw a swing. What just happened??? I screamed in pain and shock as I fell to the ground. He follows me to the ground saying, "I'm sorry...I didn't mean to let it go.....the phone slipped out of my hand....you know I would never hurt you." I remember telling him not to touch me as he asked to see what his thrown cell phone had done. As I pulled my hand away from my head I looked down and saw blood everywhere. I jumped up screaming and ran into the bathroom. My first thought was, "My girls.....where are my girls? Did they see what just happened?" My screaming was silenced instantly by that thought. I needed to get cleaned up so I could make sure they were ok. He followed me into the bathroom and kept talking......at that point he sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher. All I heard was WaaWaaWaaWaaaWaWaaaWaa, with the occasional "I'm sorry" mixed in there. I thought, "Ok I need to get to a phone to call the police" But I knew that that would be so traumatic for my kids and who knows how he would react. I looked at him as he was trying to stop the bleeding and I didn't see my husband. I saw a shell of him that was riddled with the disease of addiction. I felt nothing as I looked at him. No anger, no sadness, no nothing. I do very clearly remember one thing he said that day that was a big AH-HA moment for me. He said, "I know you are the one bleeding and everything, but why does this kind of stuff always happen to ME?" I knew at that point that he was not getting it and he may never get it.

It was time to leave. But it needed to be done strategically as to not upset my kids. I needed to wait. I let him take to the urgent care and made up a lame story to cover the huge knot and cut on my forehead. I laid there on the stretcher as they were putting 5 stitches in my head thinking, "Am I really this woman....I've seen her in Lifetime movies, and on Oprah. Is this the legacy I want to leave for my daughters? Lord give me an out here. I am lost and I don't know where to turn. Do I stay and leave quietly or do I make a huge scene of it?" I've heard it said that when you don't know what to do, don't do anything. So that is what I did....nothing. My kids seemed oblivious to what had happened, but I needed to let him know I could not do this any longer.

That night after we got home I told him that we needed to separate. He started to get agitated again so I didn't push the subject, but told him he needed to find an alternate living arrangement. He did leave that night only to come back a few hours later, high of course. He passed out on the bed and I laid awake all night wondering what to do.........

OK.......so that's all I can write tonight and will continue this story in a new post. This picture was taken 4 days after this all happened.

"If I'm a good girl......."

My daughter said something this morning that I've been hearing a lot lately. We're driving down the road headed home and she said, " Hey Mom, maybe if I'm a really good girl I could get some diving sticks. I really just want them to play with in the pool." (we live 4 houses down from the neighborhood pool) And without even thinking I gave her my normal response, " We'll see sweetie." She never says anything but I'm sure she realizes that this most likely means no.


I have 3 kids:



My bear is five and she is the sweetest thing you will ever meet. She loves everyone and just wants you to love her back. She is my biggest helper and is always looking for praise and some snuggles. She loves to be challenged and to lead. Her sister thinks she is the most amazing person there ever was and just wants to be in her presence. And bear is very patient with her little sissy (most of the time). She loves computer games and anything pretend. She has a great imagination and honestly could probably take over the house at 5 and run it more efficiently than I do! (if only she could reach the juice in our side by side fridge). She loves to swim with her floaties, but is very hesitant to want to learn how to swim without them. I guess she just figures if it works why mess with it. She will patiently wait in her swimming suit all day for me to say, "Time to go to the pool!" And she loves the Lord and has a passion for Him already at 5, and appreciates the smallest of his creations (flowers, bugs, butterflies...)

My bug just turned three and she is all spunk and then some. She is going a million miles an hour all day until she crashes. She pretty much argues with everything unless she's in the mood to cooperate. But she can be the most tender thing and is such a Mama's girl. So much so that even when I am standing right in front of her she says "I just want my mama" I often ask her, "Where does she live? Do you need me to call her?" And I usually at least get a smile with that. She loves donuts with a passion you rarely see in small children. She loves her blankees and will not sleep with out them. And yes that's blankees plural. When she was 18 months old I had a shower gift for a friend wrapped up and bug decided that it was for her. Thus the "butterfly blankee" (or "buttafy bankee" back then) was born. Then a few months later we had a crisis when the butterfly blankee was left at wal-mart so I scrambled and created the "dot-dot blankee." (Yes created.....I sew and had the fabric laying around) She is so full of joy and life you see it sparkle in her beautiful brown eyes.



Then there is my youngest, brother, aka buba. He is almost 16 months old and still refuses to walk. (although my girls were both the same way) He will not be pushed into anything he does not want to do. He is loud.....and I mean like the neighbors 2 houses down can hear him when all our doors and windows are shut. He is all boy (except when he lovingly plays with his sisters babies) and has an ocd-like obsession with Balls. He loves anything round and will ritually chant ba...ba...ba. He sleeps with his ball, he eats with his ball, he plays with his ball. I love every little inch of him and he loves to be loved like his oldest sister. He makes the cutest expressions I have ever seen and is such a mama's boy. All he has to is smile at me and my heart melts.

Now back to my story.....I sat driving home and realized that my kids have done without for so long. I remember when I would go and drop $100 on Bear....and not even blink. That was a really long time ago. After driving a while I asked my little bear, "You know you're a good girl even if Mommy can't get you diving sticks this time at the store right?" "Yeah Mom I know because I'm always a good girl" she responded. Everything in me ached. I want to be able to give her the world. I want to be able to give all my kids the world. I just hope they know that. If I had my way I would give them everything they wanted because they deserve it. They are such amazing kids and I love them with every ounce of my being. Needless to say that day at the store, I skipped a few items that we needed and made due so that I could by my good girl her diving sticks.

Blessed......

I just want to say I have awesome friends!

Not just the friends that listen when you need an ear, but the kind of friends that jump into action when there is any kind of need......clothing, groceries, a sholder to cry on, whatever.

Lord, I thank you for amazing the women in my life and I pray that you continue to bless them as they have blessed my children and I. Amen.

Tilted......

I came across this last night on a blog called "Bring the Rain". Be prepared to be moved to tears. Her name is Angie Smith and her story is amazing. Last night I sent her this e-mail (the blog is quoted at the bottom:

Hi Angie,

I just needed to take a moment tonight to thank you. I came across your blog for the fist time tonight and began to read sweet Audrey’s story. I can’t imagine the pain that you must have experienced. My situation is very different (http://notsoaveragesuburbanlife.blogspot.com/) and I thank God almost on a minute by minute basis for three happy, healthy children. But one of you blog entries from over a year ago brought me hope tonight. I have my head ever so slightly titled this evening, even with the tears streaming down my face. I started to feel myself loosing faith today…through my anger Satan attacked. But I am bringing it to HIM. And I just wanted to say thank you….

“And He(God) only has one request.

Bring it right to me, Angie.

Every time the anger roars in your heart. Bring it to Me.

Every time you feel like nobody hears you. Bring it to Me.

When you think it isn't fair. When you think it isn't true. When you can't think at all.

Bring it to My feet, and I will make an altar from your suffering.

Yesterday, after I felt like I couldn't take any more of the storm, Abby came into the kitchen with a drawing she had made for Audrey (they do this several times a day...I think it's just part of how they are processing). I looked at it for a few moments and then told her how amazing I thought it was. She had drawn Audrey under a rainbow, standing by a sign that said "Come see the clowns!" I'm not sure what the significance of that is, except that Abby did confirm that there are "only clowns in heaven sometimes." That actually made me feel better, because I think clowns are kind of creepy.

Abby smiled at me expectantly. I wasn't sure what she was looking for.

"I want to give it to her, mommy. I want to put it in her basket."

They call her "casket" a "basket," and we don't correct them, because frankly, I like the idea of a basket better anyway.

"OK." Now what do I say? How am I going to explain this to a 5 year old?

She looked at me, waiting.

"So..should we put it in the mailbox, mommy? Will the man come and get it?"

She wanted to understand the details of our new situation, and the truth at that moment was that I did too.

"Well, Abby, the great thing about heaven is that Audrey can see all of the things that we are doing down here. AND, she can see what you made for her! She can just look right into our house and see it." I waited to see how this felt to her.

Without a word, she spoke life back into my tired bones.

She took the edges of the drawing delicately and lifted it high above her head, closer to her baby sister. She had her head tipped back, looking upward, and after a few seconds, she closed her eyes and a smile made it's way across her face.

"She liked it, didn't she?" I asked her quietly.

She nodded, still glowing, and ran off to play.

I don't know where you are tonight, or what hurts you are holding up to God, but I will promise you this. If you can just trust Him enough to bring it to Him, He will rejoice in your masterpiece. And if you need to scream a little, know that you have a God who can take that too, as long as your face is tilted (even slightly) toward Him.

Please allow my sweet friend Sara and her son Elliot to make their way into your prayers tonight...ever-present Counselor, we have to trust You more that we can explain You sometimes.

You are good, Lord.

You are good.”

A bad day......

Things are really hard today for me. I find myself questioning my faith today. It's been so long since I have done that and I don't really know how to feel about it. I'm sitting here just in tears at my computer. I can't find my dh (he didn't show up for work today), I have no vehicle to go and look for him (he has it) and we have little money to make it through the next month. I sat up with my dh last night until 3 am listing to him rant, rave , question, and sob. His daughter, My step-daughter, was placed in a mental facility on Sunday. She was talking about killing herself. He was talking about the same thing last night. He and I both don't understand why life is going the way it is going. He has been working his ass off at his new job for the last almost 5 months with nothing really to show for it. He receives a small salary, but not enough to support a family of 6 (we have 3 children of our own). He should be receiving commissions by now, but despite all his hard work we have not seen one yet. We have rent due on the 1st and if we don't have that money I'm not sure what we are going to do. I see him reverting to a life that I thought we had left behind. It's the only way he knows how to deal with pain, and unfortunately for me.....that leaves me here with 3 small children trying to figure out a way to get groceries and pick up my medication. I have no way to reach him and my constant fear is that he has been arrested. I don't think anyone can relate to this despair I am feeling right now. It's taken every ounce of strength I have have to even get out of bed. I haven't even gotten dressed today. I'm just angry.....angry at myself for still being here, angry at my husband for starting this awful road that we are on so many years ago, and angry at God. I just wish we could catch a break. For the last 7 months we have been trying to everything right. We have prayed and believed, and I just don't understand why this is where we have ended up. I know so many people who are not religious or whatever and things seem to go right for them. They have everything they need and then some.....they are able to follow their dreams and provide everything and more for their kids. All I want is just a normal life!!!!!!! Please tell me where I get that!

It takes work......

I hate more than anything when people ignore me. It happens a lot in my house. The kids keep jumping on the couch. My husband doesn't help with the kids. And the list goes on. I just tried to get my dh to watch Dr. Phil with me and he shot it down before I could even explain what it was about. Those who know me well know my deep dark secret. My husband, we're going to call him K, has struggled with addiction for most of his life. He has been through many different addictions from drugs to gambling and a few stops in between. K's worst addiction has been with the drug, methamphetamine. He has used off and on for the last 8 years I have known him. He just can not seem to kick it. He will stay clean for a while but he always ends up going back. We have separated several times, but I always end up going back......hence my addiction. We have 4 kids, and I love him. Despite everything he has done and everything we have had to endure I love him. And I believe in him. He has been clean for a while now, but is really struggling. The Dr. Phil I was was wanting him to watch was on addiction, and they talked about how addiction is a chronic disease, and thus it needs to be treated as one. When my dh is not getting his way he stomps around like a child. I just want him to see that he can not will power his way through this. It's really frustrating living with him sometimes. But I have faith and I know God will bring us through this.

To Anonymoize or not......that is the question!

I am really excited about telling my story. And needless to say if I was just talking about myself I most defiantly wouldn't worry about it. Anyone who knows me well basically knows everything that has happened in my life. I am an open book and love to share with people. But I have found that at times this has affected me in a negative way. It is one of my husband's biggest problems with me that he has basically leaned to live with. He seems to understand something that I do not. My view of people is a little on the naive side. I think that most people are like me. They see the good in people and ginuinly care for others and what they are going through. But now that I am getting older I am realizing it's just not the case. I believe that with God all things are possible and that He can change people. There are a lot of people in this world that do not believe in second chances and refuse to look at a situation for what it is instead of what they percieve it to be. So I'm going back and fourth......do I set up this blog so no one knows who I am or do I just lay it out there?? I wouldn't want this to ever affect my kids or my life in a negative manner. So do I just set up another blog to post all the "pretty, look how perfect my family is" stuff and then keep it real here??? Hmmmmm big decision to make.......